THANKSGIVING

Here in the states we’re celebrating Thanksgiving today.

While the history of this particular holiday is bloody and largely misrepresented we can still use it as an opportunity to recognize the wealth and love in our lives. To be thankful for what we have and to use it to serve on another.

I was able to drive to see my family, walk on the beach this morning, drink hot tea made with clean water, I have warm clothes against this winter weather, I will eat a feast this afternoon surrounded by people who love me. I am safe, I do not live in fear.

I am thankful.

 

BULLSHIT ARTIST

Mark Twain wrote “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”. Words to live by. Being honest just makes our lives easier, if not right away, in the long term.

So why are we just full of shit?

I have written before that we lie to protect ourselves and each other, which I think is true. Digging deeper, I believe we lie because we don’t see our reality/life as something worth honestly sharing.

If you don’t think your life is (insert whatever adjective you’d like) enough, then I challenge you to re-frame the way you see yourself, others, and the way you interact with life.

The world is fascinating, people are incredible. There is probably more going on on your own world than you realize.

Get invested in the activities and the lives of the people around you. The more active you are in your life the more interesting it becomes. If you spend more time interested in life the more confident you become.

When you’re confident you don’t need the bullshit.

Cheers

PATTERN AND EXPECTATION

Most of us have heard the phrase “the only one holding you back is you” or some version of it.

It’s really a douchey thing to say to people. I would know, because I have said it. There could be crippling debt, depression, racism, sexism, and all number of other real obstacles blocking someone’s progress. You just don’t know.

To be fair, it’s well intentioned (usually) and mostly true. When people are in good seasons of their lives or have just finished a self help book, this phrase seems to be the go to. The weight of this statement is actually absurd and it deserves unpacking.

By the way, self help books are great and if you’re in a good place right now, well done. That said, let’s not treat this cheesey platitude like it’s going to solve all the problems of our family, friends, and other unsuspecting bystanders. It’s just rude.

Unpacking. What this phrase really boils down to is our expectations, conscious and unconscious. What we expect in life is based on our experience, history, mental health, wealth, lots of things really. Expectation is the projected outcome of our life patterns.

Our patterns. This is a really important.

We subconsciously do the same things daily, weekly, yearly and that’s okay. That’s how we build stability and consistency in our lives, which are both fantastic. What it also builds is familiarity, the seat of our expectations. The trouble is our patterns aren’t always good. They can be really damaging to us sometimes. It’s tough to recognize a destructive pattern when we can’t see any other possible outcome for the choices we make.

That’s assuming we take ownership over our choices…

It can take a lot of work and hardship to recognize where we need a change in our lives. We will endure years of punishment and toil because it is preferable to the unknown and it’s what we have learned to expect from life.

Expectation is the lie we tell ourselves, not always knowingly, so that we can stay insulated. Because truthfully, knowing you need change and discovering your experience is not universal is really painful. When we discover a damaging pattern in ourselves we feel really insecure and inadequate. Feeling like you’re doing your life wrong or “you don’t know how to human” is a really humbling experience.

It’s okay, it’s an important and healthy place to be. If you have never experienced this (which would be ridiculous) you should look at your life and behaviors a little closer.

Doing something about it, that’s some next level stuff. The patterns of our expectations rule our lives.

Is seeing our expectations as possibilities instead certainties difficult? Definitely.

Is it a quick process? No.

Does this mean that mean I can just do the same things and expect a different result? Definitely no.

It does mean you allow yourself the freedom to try new things and new ways of doing old things, because nothing is set in stone.

How people go about adjusting their lives after seeing negative patterns and false expectations is completely unique to them. You’ll have to figure that bit out for yourself, but I believe in you.

Try it, see what happens.

HOPE IS OUR BUSINESS

My family and I spent this whole weekend moving my mom to a small town on the Oregon coast. It was long, hard, hilarious, and a little sobering.

For the last 30 years or so my mom has been struggling with finding home. It’s been hard to watch the toll its taken on her. She’s been an unhappy person for as long as I can remember but I have not always been able to see why.

I don’t know that my mom has ever felt safe except for when my dad was alive. She grew up in a poor and abusive home with an absentee father and mentally ill mother. I’ve always gotten the impression that she felt like my father rescued her from that life, but she’s never said as much. I think he made her feel strong, like together they could do anything. Early in their marriage they tragically lost their third child and then a couple years later my father died.

I’ve only known her to be lonely, angry, and hurt. She’s been grieving my whole life. While I believe we are responsible for making ourselves whole and happy, it gives me pause, when is it too much? Is there a point where there is no going back?

But thoughts like that are the death of hope. We are humans after all, hope is our business.

Radical, scandalous, absurd hope.

The whole weekend I kept thinking “this is the time, this is the place. It has to be”. The only prayer I have for her is to be whole.

Yesterday as we were driving away, my brother said to me “I really hope she’s happy here”. I thought for a second, and said “I hope so too, I hope this is it, I hope this is the one”.